dilluns, 18 de maig de 2009

18th May: Students charged - PRESS RELEASE


Today, 18th May 2009, the nation breathes a sigh of relief as we exclusively report that the clandestine terror cell active in the vestibule of the University of Barcelona will finally be brought to justice.

The cell, active over a period of four months, was quickly ratted out by student insiders who notified the authorities of its presence following the suspicious appearance of furniture, beds and a kitchen in the building. In the name of public safety, the dangerous criminals, armed to the teeth with shoes and stale BREAD, were escorted out of the building in the early hours of 18th March. However, the 53 suspects evaded capture because the police officers present were “tired and hadn't had breakfast yet”.

<<video of bungled capture attempt>>

The 6 cell members detained that day were later released in some confusion resulting from cream cheese, the chief of police´s wife and a nose-flute. A vigourous police search hasn't taken place because Barça were playing but sources have urged the public to be vigilant- “They were holding books, so evidently some of them are Maoists” confirmed a police insider.


Caught in its first few months, university insiders claim that the student occupation was at first difficult to find because of all the tents put up in the University of Barcelona's historic building. Following the discovery of 50 or so students sleeping there, a crack team of underpaid, sub-contracted security guards was deployed to monitor suspicious activity.

One of the guards searching for evidence of occupants

We were told to watch out for cocaine labs, kidnappings and human trafficking as these are often sources of funding for terrorists” reveals Juan Ángel Maria Dolores de la Santa Cruz Romero, one of the guards, “Much like Bin Laden, they constantly evaded us by going to lessons and sleeping.”


Luckily, the cunning wrong-doers couldn't evade the eyes and ears of authority for long, and their terrifying plan was soon made all too clear.

In a secret meeting held in the middle of the vestibule, the criminals admitted that they were demanding moratoriums on the university reform, the re-installation of expelled students and DEBATE with the governing body over the reform. Determined to tackle these reckless young hooligans face to face, the fearless university president, Dídac Ramírez PERSONALLY asked his secretary to call the police to remove them.

Students huddled “like witches”

It is with pleasure that we inform you that these delinquents have been officially charged and will be taken to trial as soon as they finish building the new court house, find out where each of the 53 is hiding and find a room big enough in which to judge that many people. The charges vary from “breach of the peace” to “you've really breached the peace now” depending on whether students talked too much or got tortured particularly badly. Therefore these miscreants have surely been stopped in their evil tracks by the fear of a possible jail sentence or fine sometime in October if the police haven't lost the paperwork.

People and businessmen of Catalonia, you must unite - despite the enormous differences in your salaries – to send out a clear NO to these terrorists!

NO we will NOT be terrorised into funding education for everyone.

NO we will CONTINUE to prioritise the profits of companies over the pithy importance of learning.

NO we will NOT treat the dreamers, thinkers and workers in our universities like dignified human beings.

Let your voices be heard, the university is at the service of the markets! We will not give in to their vicious banner hangings, threatening peaceful occupations and snide leafletting. We will stand up and confront their terrifying demonstrations face to face (that is, the half-covered faces of our riot police).

The modernisation of the university is in our hands*!

* This article takes no responsibility for the university being completely out of your hands

The People's Voice

Our opinion poll clearly shows that the majority of those questioned* believe the criminals should be kept in prison “forever” to stop them from asking for anything else.

What should happen to the extremists?

They should go to prison forever - 90%

I'm confused - 10%

* Our shareholders

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